I was surprised at how many people are drawn to the way I look. I really wanted to show you, how I really look. Before I put on mascara and eyebrow pencil. I am very fair skinned, as you notice. But my hair, yes my hair is blonde. It is not colored or bleached it is natural. I lack pigment. I can't even color my hair like other people get to do. Although I have been thinking of adding some pink paint-like spray for fun at expos!
I took some photos so you could see how I really look. I am sharing this because I never realized before how much I value my differences. It has been a long road. . .
My 7th grade year at middle school pretty much sucked. There was a 9th grade girl, a very big 9th grade girl that I was sure was destined for jail, that hollered at me in the hallways, calling me "Grandma" and I have heard other jokes about sticking my finger in a light socket or needing to turn down the light or asking if I glowed in the dark. I have also been called albino, in a derogatory sense. When I was younger I did everything I could to look like other people, I even went tanning in high school and turned a weird color of orange, but it was better than too white which I already was. I preferred a hue of pink from a sun burn than the white complexion I was born with. I used makeup at an early age to tone down my bright white features. I have always looked like a Q-tip. It seemed like it got me unwanted attention throughout my life. At some point I began to recognize this uniqueness and started to appreciate it. I began to own it. I am not sure exactly when that happened. I think maybe it began in high school I started to accept my look, when I was no longer teased. Everyone was bleaching their hair back then. Then again, even in my 20's I went to a spray tan booth before vacation, again shades of fake tan did not suit me. That need to be more like other people, to not stand out so much was still a part of my life. Everyone wants to fit in. For me, it seems like an impossible task.
It's strange when I think back, how much energy I spent trying to dim my light- literally. Everyone noticed. Everyone still notices. But now, many people think I created it myself- that I color my hair. Actually the opposite is true- I paint my face, eyebrows and eyelashes. In this way I still try to fit in or feel comfortable in my light, physically.
Interestingly, just a few years ago I was actually diagnosed as having ocular albinism, due to the way the light reflects off my eyes, and the super light blue shade that they are. For years I have had poor vision and wore glasses but never saw it as something unique. After spending hours in the doctor's office that day having all sorts of people parade in to see my eyes through the fancy equipment, I figured it must be pay back or rather pay forward with a sense of how beautifully original God made me.
I have come to appreciate and covet my unique features and am now beginning to fall in love with them. It is from this heart felt place of acceptance and self love that I am sharing this openly with you. I did not realize the levity of how far I have come, how much I have grown into my beautiful understanding of self. I never thought I would embrace all this bright whiteness of what I see looking back at me in the mirror every day. I always saw it as a set back or lack in some way. Even as time has passed it was only recently that I have begun to like my reflection. I see the light in me, it's so obvious God put it on the outside as a reminder, in case I forget. It's what's on the inside that shines outward, that we share that matters. I hope that you can find your beauty when you look in the mirror, as you were created to be.
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